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You Have Two Cows…

Posted by hllf on Sep 10, 2009 in Funny

I recently stumbled upon this and thought I’d share it with everyone. I used to have a very similar list hanging on my cubicle wall probably about 12 years ago — back when I had time to actually print something funny, get out the tape, and stick the pieces of paper on the wall. Ah, those were the days. šŸ™‚

Anarchism

You have two cows. The cows decide you have no right to do anything with their milk and leave to form their own society.

Capitalism

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Communism

You have two cows. The government takes both of them and gives you part of the milk.

Democracy

You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Dictatorship

You have two cows. The government takes both cows and drafts you.

European Unionism

You have two cows. The EU develops a quota system that “limits the gas emissions from flatulent cows.” You sell your carbon allotment, not the milk.

Fascism

You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Feudalism

You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Industrialism

You have two cows. You dissect them both and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead.

Liberalism

You have two cows. You sell both to the rich. The government then taxes one of the cows from the rich and gives it to the poor.

Libertarianism

Go away. What I do with my cows is none of your business.

Nazism

You have two cows. The government takes both and then shoots you.

New Dealism

You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. The government insists there is a giant storage tank where all the milk goes.

Political Correctnessism

You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of unspecified gender.

Redistributionism

You have two cows. Everyone should have the same amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them up, and spends more than the cows are worth giving everyone a little piece of cow.

Socialism

You have two cows. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbor.

 
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Random Thoughts from People 25-35

Posted by hllf on Aug 31, 2009 in Funny

Something funny forwarded to me by my wife that I thought I’d share with everyone. I can so relate to many of these. šŸ™‚

  1. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
  2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story, all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
  3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
  4. I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
  5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
  6. That’s enough, Nickelback.
  7. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
  8. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
  9. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo, and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it, and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
  10. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
  11. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
  12. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
  13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
  14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
  15. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
  16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when Iā€™m trying to finish a text.
  17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
  18. LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
  19. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
  20. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
  21. Whenever someone says, “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
  22. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
  23. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
  24. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said, “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies.”
  25. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
  26. While driving yesterday, I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
  27. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
  28. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
  29. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
  30. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
  31. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
  32. Bad decisions make good stories.
  33. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
  34. Is it just me, or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
  35. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
  36. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….
  37. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
  38. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
  39. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
  40. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word, and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
  41. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
  42. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’
  43. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
  44. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
  45. When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
  46. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
  47. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
  48. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
  49. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
  50. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
  51. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
  52. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what to do with it.
  53. Even under ideal conditions, people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey; but Iā€™d bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
  54. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day, “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the heck do I respond to that?
  55. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com, and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
  56. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
  57. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
  58. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
  59. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

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